Honey's NOTEBOOK........9!

I think I fell in love again. When my elder sister was in the University, she had a very close girlfriend who had a younger brother she was also friends with. She had so much to say about them each time she came home on holidays. She told me how kind her friend always was to her and also how brilliant and cool the brother was. I got interested in the guy when she said he never had a thing for any girl. I was still in secondary school at the time. I believed it was just a crush and nothing more because I was quite young. And so I put it all behind me.

Four years after I finished from secondary school, our paths crossed on Facebook. He was already a first-class graduate and was working with one of the multinational companies in Nigeria. On the other hand, I was a fresh graduate from a relationship that went sour all of a sudden but was in my 3^rd year in the University. He was great company and that gave me strength to cope with the break-up. I grew to like him because he was very intelligent and had a good sense of humor. We got really close and would talk about everything and anything. He was not in the country when we met on Facebook and he hardly ever is. He practically works outside Nigeria. 

Now I knew what he looked like which wasn’t far from what my sister had described years ago. What I admired most about him was his smile, it could light up a dark room, it was contagious, really sexy. All along, he did not know I was a sister to an old time friend of his and I did not disclose it. He just thought I was some girl out of the blue. We got talking one day and he said he had just broken up with his girlfriend because he realized they both had the genotypes, AS. That was good news because it would avert any future health consequence on their children and because I wanted him for me. He gave me all the signs that he really liked me but never stated that he wanted a relationship with me. This was really tough for me because we were neither here nor there. He was not forthcoming so I decided to get my mind off anything serious with him and concentrate on just being friends.

I realized we had been talking for 6months and he hadn’t asked for my phone number. How interesting! He was becoming a huge part of me and still, we were just ‘friends’. I was not getting comfortable with the relationship anymore so I decided to get him off my friends’ list. It did not work because he sent me a request few days later and I could not ignore. He asked what went wrong and I lied my Facebook account was probably undergoing some reforms *rolling my eyes*. Here I was, back to the basics. From Facebook, we moved communication to twitter. The bond only got stronger. No exchange of phone numbers yet. 

Almost 8months! This was a typical scenario that brought about the relevance of the song “Facebook Love” by Essence ft. Jaywon. Sincerely there were times I would want to ask for his number but I’d go old-fashioned and that is; think about the fact that the guy ought to make that move. I couldn’t bear it anymore and so I determined to tell him how I felt without holding back and these were my words;

“My happiest moments in the last few months

Have been the ones

 I spent speaking with you.

I’m not afraid to say that I like you a lot *sad face*”

I said a little more but that’s all I recollect now. I also can’t remember all of his reply;

“I really like you too.

In fact you have been my muse all year.

Please don’t go all emotional on me”

And that was it! He still was not saying anything precise. He came back to Nigeria after about 9months of communication. He was going to be around for a week. I was busy and so was he. I was somewhere on an important assignment when he sent me a direct message on Twitter as usual and asked for my number. That took me by surprise. Before I knew it, he came around to pick me up. He got down from his car to give me the warmest hug I had received in a while. I almost forgot myself in his arms. His body felt so strong and oh my! the cologne! *deep breath*. We did not discuss anything but general issues. I had to be home in a few minutes and he had to be somewhere too. He said we were going to have lunch but before I knew it, he was out of the country again.

There was a time he told me how afraid he was of commitments and how he was not ready for the drama that came along with a relationship. I’m beginning to think these are the reasons for his indecision. He said so many things that made me think he would pop the question the next minute. During one of our numerous conversations, I told him about my phobia for heights and water. He went “what if I proposed to you on the Eiffel tower” and  “as for your phobia for water, I love to swim and you have to learn how to. I’ll teach you.”

Finally, he figured I was his friend’s sister and he seemed excited about it. He wondered why I did not let him know and I said I was going to, in good time. His words were “I see you were going to tell me when I come to your house to ask for your hand in marriage.” That statement threw me into a state of confusion.

We exchanged BB pins and only got closer. It was deeper than friendship yet, far away from a relationship. I wouldn’t go a day without talking with him and each time I did, he would accuse me of not keeping in touch, so we would talk about everyday experiences, laugh at each other’s jokes and blow lots of kisses. My feelings for him grew so strong and I began to lose it gradually. This time, I blocked him from my Facebook account, twitter account, deleted him off my blackberry messenger list and also my phone contacts. I felt good about my decision until he called me with a private number some days after.

We spoke for about 30minutes. He said I was being selfish and inconsiderate. He said he did not believe I would cut off every form of communication with him without considering how he would feel about it. He asked why I did all that and I could not give him my reasons because hearing his voice alone left me all smiles. I missed him for the few days I kept him away and I was going to re-add him on my BBM as soon as he dropped the call. I did and we got talking again. We were more like unofficial lovers. I felt so strong I could scream for relief, so close, anyone could feel the heat. It was over a year now and this relationship was yet to get a definition. I was getting emotionally drained by this. I asked him to be straight about us and he began to tell me I was really great, very funny, so pretty and that if there was anyone who knew him, it was me. This was it! And I had had enough!

I got a grip of myself and deleted him off my BBM for the ‘umpteenth’ time. I promised myself to be firm with my decision. He sent me a request within the next hour and I ignored it. He called me the following day to ask what happened. I was bold enough this time to tell him I deleted him because I needed a break from him. He said I was being selfish again and my decision would affect his emotions. It was soothing to hear his voice but there was no going back. I was only 24hours off his BBM and he told me he missed me already. I told him I did not miss him at all. That was a lie that needed be told at the moment. He asked if I would re-add him and I summoned up courage to say NO.  Now, that was me struggling with my emotions. We were about to end the conversation when he said he missed me, again. It was as if I was being injected. I squeezed my eyes so tight to let go of the pain but it was all in futility until I said “I miss you too”. But my mind was made up! I’m moving on………

by Honey Jar